Instead of Saying

The following piece was written by Pat Kemp, a professor at Erie Community College- City Campus, in Buffalo, NY

When I was hired at Erie Community College’s Child Care Center/ Lab to work with infants and to train students to do the same, I recognized that most students entered the field as I had in 1978, saying "Don't do this, "Don't do that," and "No" to young children.

I remembered what a struggle it had been for me as an undergrad to replace negative phrases with positive language. At the time, I had never heard of telling children what to do rather than what not to do. I was the oldest of seven children and an accomplished and sought-after babysitter and "No" and "Don't" had served me well! I was intrigued, and a bit skeptical, that merely using positive language would have much effect on behavior.
I tried to say the right thing, but those "don'ts" would pop out of my mouth automatically. My mentor at the time, Maya Zuck, gave me a list of commonly used negative phrases and their positive counterparts. That list really helped me. It took lots of time and effort, and a good deal of frustration, but I finally mastered using positive language with children. I was delighted to see that it affected behavior--profoundly! I fully embraced the concept, and began to use it with all children I encountered.

I made a list of the negative things I heard the ECC students use throughout the day as they worked with the infants, and then I gave them alternatives to use. The result was the Instead of Saying handout, below. Maya's teachings live on!

INSTEAD OF SAYING

Instead of Saying...	Say...
During Play Time:	During Play Time:
Don’t climb on the table (crib, shelf, gate).	If you need to climb, here is the climber.
Don't hit (push, pinch, pull hair, kick, etc.) the baby (me).	Be gentle with him/her (me).
Don't throw the truck (blocks, telephone, etc.).	This toy is for driving (building, talking, etc.) you may throw a soft ball.
No climbing with toys in your hand.	I'll hold your toy while you climb.
No toys on the slide.	The slide is for people, the ramp is for toys.
Don't bang on the mirror (windows) with toys.	The toys go on the floor.
Don't chew on books.	We look at books: let me help you.
Don't play in the garbage.	The garbage is dirty: come away from it and find a toy to play with.
Stop crying you're fine.	You're upset because you fell down (hurt yourself, can't have that toy, miss your mom, etc.). Let me try to help you feel better.
Haven't I told you not to hit other children!	You're angry, but hitting hurts. Let's talk about what's bothering you.
If you don't put that shovel down right now, I'm going to take it away.	Use the shovel to dig with; if you want to throw something, you can throw the ball.
If you don't stop pushing other children on the slide, they'll start pushing you.	Please keep your hands on your own body. Pushing hurts other children.
Stop running those trucks into the walls.	Careful drivers put on their brakes and beep their horn.
Put that stick down. Don't you know someone might get hurt?	Lets throw the stick in the garbage so that no one will get hurt.
Did you dump the puzzle pieces on the floor again? I told you not to do that.	Keep the puzzle on the table so that the pieces don't get lost.
You're dripping paint all over the floor! Why don't you find another activity?	Wipe your brush on the jar so that it won't drip.
Don't play with the diapers.	Leave the diapers there and come over by me and find a toy to use.
Don't eat the crayon (paint, paste, soap, etc)	Crayons are for drawing. (Paint is for painting; paste goes on paper; soap is for washing)
Don't shut the door.	Leave the door open.
Don't sit on the big chair.	Here's a chair for you; this chair is for an adult/teacher.
When walking in the building:	When walking in the building:
Don't run away: no, come back.	Walk near me.
Get away from the stairs.	Hold onto my hand. Stay near me: the stairs are dangerous.
Don't go near the elevator.	Hold my hand while we wait for the elevator.
Other times of the day:	Other times of the day:
Stop wiggling on the changing table.	Try blowing on the streamers. Can you make them move?
Don't spill your milk (juice, bottle, etc).	Oops, it spilled. I'll (lets) wipe it up.
Don't play with your food.	If you're hungry, please eat. If you are finished you can clean up your space.
No, don't eat the food off of his/her plate.	This is your plate; you need to eat your food.
Don't put so much in your mouth.	Take little bites: chew it and swallow before you take more.
Don't spit out your food.	Keep your food in your mouth.
Don't dump your food on the floor.	You must be done: give me your plate and clean up your space.
Drink your milk, try your peas, eat your meat, etc.	NOTHING. Comment about how good the food is and the child will usually try it.
Don't touch the top of his head (eyes).	Touch him here on the back of his head and feel how soft he is.
Don't kiss him on the mouth.	Kiss the baby's head.
Don't pull on his hands (feet, hair).	Be gentle with him, he's little.
No, no, don't put his bottle (toys) in your mouth.	This is for the baby to chew on: lets get something for you to chew on.
Don't squeeze him hard.	Give him a gentle hug - that's nice.
Will you stop screaming! That's too loud, stop it!	Use quite voices inside: save your loud voices for outside.